I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
