Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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