He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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