Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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