apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
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