roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
