The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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