i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
