He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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