she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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