My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
