When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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