dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
