just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
