see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
