This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
