when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
