Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
