he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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