Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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