Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize