I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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