You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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