Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize