i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
