Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
