elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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