My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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