He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
