mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
