Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
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