She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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