can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
40s are totally the cure
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
