I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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