yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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