so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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