moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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