that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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