I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
