yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
