Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
