My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
