I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
