Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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