i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
