i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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