My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
