It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
