So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
