Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize