His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
