thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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