At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
