I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
