I think my fart just growled at me.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
