turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
