I puked a lego.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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