Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
