Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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