paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
