who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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