Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
