we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
