My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
